Abi Mowbray
Since coming home to London I have rediscovered the horror that is the tube. This evening on my long and interrupted journey home (of course there has to be at least one line closure every weekend) I was forced to change seats twice to escape people with bad tube habits. I call these people Rudetubers.
Rudetubers fall into five catagories, they are as follows:
1. The farter. Now admittedly there are two types of tube farter and it is important to make the distinction. The first is the accidental farter. The accidental farter can be identified by a red face, only slightly visible over the top of The Metro, which the accidental farter quickly becomes engrossed in. The accidental farter will hold their nose and join in with mutual looks of disgust. The accidental farter is likely to get off at the next available stop but most importantly the accidental farter is sorry.
2. There is another farter variant. A farter who shows no shame or remorse. The proud farter. The proud farter does not need to be sought out, as he (a sexist assumption), will identify himself. Depending on the level of alcohol consumed he will either boast loudly of his flatulent triumph to friends or, as I witnessed only yesterday, profess his guilt to a silenced tube.
3. The nervous traveller. The nervous traveller does not frequent the tube. The nervous traveller is suspicious of the tube. A public hindrance at “the platform edge” and when disembarking. The nervous traveller believes a tube can become ‘full’, she (another assumption) strictly adheres to a queuing system but most irritatingly the nervous traveller requires time. Time to get off, time to get to on, time to move her bags as you dive through the closing doors onto your platform. She believes that Londoners are in “too much of a hurry” and “have no manners”. And perhaps reinforcing her point, I find her the most irritating of all!
4. The sound wave criminal. The sound wave criminal is not exclusive to the tube. The sound wave criminal can also be found on the top deck of buses and, previously, the smoking carriage of trains. The sound wave criminal will subject a tube to a blur of high frequency noise. Subject to the orderly protest of heavy page turning by suited Guardian readers, the sound wave criminal will often mount a three pronged resistance: chewing gum, texting and increasing the volume. The broadsheet can offer no response.
5. The runner. The nervous travellers’ arch-enemy. The runner’s need to board a tube is greater than the rest of the stations’ and as such the runner often physically discards other tube travellers, or in the psyche of the runner ‘competitors’. The runner does not queue on the right hand side of the escalator. Perilously, the runner takes moving steps two, sometimes three at a time, brushing beads of sweat onto right hand sided bystanders. The runner’s final lap is the platform. The runner will not stand aimlessly waiting for the arrival of the tube, no the runner leaves nothing to chance and the possibility that they will be beaten to the door. The runner will stalk the platform with a total disregard for the authority of the yellow line. The runner will get on before letting you get off.
